Apologies and updates
I have no personality. I lost it when my job because too much to handle. And I'm not talking about the scratching or the shit. The data entry has gotten ridiculous. There just isn't enough time and everyone is getting behind. Plus they've divided my department and now it's one therapist to two or three kids at various times during the day (kids that have less behavior problems). But I'm still exhausted at the end of the day and always feel like there was something I forgot to enter.
I am not the same girl my boyfriend met over two months ago. I have no sex drive. I dream about work every night.
Last week a cubical wall fell on my leg. I have a huge bruise and my knee cap is killing me but luckily nothing was broken.
Seems like everyone hates their job. There was a time when people got stressed because of working with a particular kid but now I think most just detest the data entry. Severe behavior looks kinda good at this point...
I'm trying to find myself again. At this time of year I'm reminded how much I detest money yet want an abundance of wealth. Some days I want to move to Africa and rebuild villiages.
I feel the worst for my boyfriend and friends. I am not the same person. I am constantly tired. The first person I talk to afer work gets an ear full. I'm mad at myself because I compartmentalize all my feelings about relationships and everything else but I can't seem to do it for work and I'm not even working with the really aggressive children.
I know it will get better but I feel like I owe everyone an apology for being so distant. Maybe I just feel like I want to explain. Some days I don't remember my own name.
Going home for the holidays. Here is who will be staying in our three bedroom house: Mom, Stepfather, myself, Aunt, Uncle, cousin one, cousin two, grandfather. Aunt and Uncle want was all to "be under one roof for the holidays." I said we should rent out a hotel because I am not giving up my bedroom and luckily my stepfather agrees with me. I am also not sharing my bed with my fifteen year old cousin. Maybe I'm a bitch but I know I am going to need a place to retreat. Our house is not that big.
I'm really trying to practice gratitute and be thankful my family is together.There have been so many years were someone wasn't talking to some else and oh-by-the-way mhy dad is coming but he IS staying in a hotel thank you Jesus.
Years ago when we lived in Hawaii, my parent's were great friends with another couple, J and L who had two daughters at least ten years older than me. The husband was my dad's best friend from the Marine's but during my parent's divorce he sided with my mother and then my dad and he didn't speak, until this week. J and L's daughter, son-in-law, and two grandchildren died in a small plane crash about a month ago out west. My dad called me and we had a long talk about how important it was to put their differences aside becuase of this terrible tragedy. How the value lies in the core of their friendship, not the misunderstandings of what happened during the divorce. I thought about that for a while and realized how I don't really talk to my stepmother... but I'm not going to take my own advice. Fuck that. We weren't ever best friends.
Anyway. So that happened. Then my mom's friend R died. She was a nurse with my mom in the ER. My mom gets a call from C (also a nurse). C is the only nurse in the country to remove donated eyeballs and guess who donated their eyeballs: R. So I get a call at 10:00 at night from mom at the morgue. She and C are taking out R's eyeballs. Where the fuck do you find the resilliance to do that? I have no idea. I can't even process it. I also can't even process going to your deceased daughters's house and going through her things as well as your grandchildrens'.
So I am very lucky I have family members to spend the holidays with and at some point my job will get better or I will find another job.
There is your update. Sorry for the long wind.
Sorry I haven't called anyone back. Please be patient.